Joan Marie. . . . .
~ Twice in a Lifetime ~
Facing the reality that happily ever after has loopholes and rock bottom has a trap door....

Sometimes living through loss doesn't seem like a choice; the same question of why always presents itself when we lose our loved ones unexpectedly, senselessly or out of life order.  It seems most of my life has been filled with death, loss, disappointment, and broken relationships, all of which left me with walls disguised as anger and lack of trust in others and myself.  I lost my grandfathers at a young age; one the month shortly after I was born in the month of August, and the other just before I became a teenager; again, in August. I felt cursed even though I knew I had no reason to feel that way. I lived in constant fear of losing my own parents, my support system. That fear neither increased or subsided as I grew older, however, as the devastation and series of events that would become my life story presented itself, I was thankful for their support and unconditional love as they watched my life unravel again and again.  This site is my promise to my children, that I will never give up, I will always fight; not only for my own life and some degree of contentment and happiness, but to honor the memory of the two angels I lost while pushing the remaining two forward in life.  Small tokens to not only honor them, but also to bring forth the details of their passing and build their legacy, in their honor, for their brother and sister who were left behind; growing up with a mother who was grieving for most of their life. I made mistakes and poor choices, but also set positive goals to compensate for losing parts of myself through loss and the guilt a mother holds for not being the best through the worst of times.  I don't know where the strength came from, but I am forever grateful it was a driving force pushing me through to perseverance. A will to live even during the darkest times, when I was the only one who knew I wanted to die; or was already dying inside with a smile on my face so I didn't bother anyone or make them uncomfortable. Somehow it resonated, that the great loss I felt could only come from a place of the never-ending, undeniable love a mother has for her children.  The greatest gift and a double edge sword; that can only be felt when you are forced to bury your children.  I made a promise to my oldest son on the day I buried him, as I was frozen in that cold chair on a hot summer day, once again August brought me deep into the shadows.  Although I didn't fully realize it at the time, I had an overwhelming feeling that something was not right, things are not always what they seem, and face value can be dependent on another persons interpretation even though no effort was made to ensure it was accurate. I made a promise to my son that I would follow my gut feeling and my heart, by following his in those weeks and months before his death, and the years he grieved when we lost our Emilia to toxic cancer treatments.  That promise created a force that would allow me to get out of that chair, that would guide me through the devastation, loneliness, and darkness of grief and ultimately to where I am now, at a place of love, determination, and one day peace.  I promised that I wouldn't let go, because love lives on; it's the one constant in my life that death itself cannot deny me.  What remains unspoken is......

INTERNAL CARRION