Let's talk About Love....

Love is not something I personally do not express on a whim. It is one of the most beautiful all-encompassing emotions one can experience over and over again. I came to realize the repercussions of not telling someone you love them, care about them, or if you couldn't be with that person for whatever reason telling them you love them or care for them but are unable to physically be with them. The move Eat, Pray, Love nailed it, send them light and love and send them on their way. I remember my first what I thought to be love, albeit I was around 13 and didn't really have the capacity to truly know what loving a man felt like, but I had the time of my life! I learned good and bad habits from that experience, I knew I was cared for and about, but felt I was too young and immature to experience intimacy when my friends were becoming well versed, not a judgement, but at times I felt like I was the odd ball, and it was easier to let people believe what they wanted than to admit I was scared and not ready. This is also when I started changing who I was and how I was brought up, dabbling in alcohol, memorized the movie soundtrack and fell in love with Urban Cowboy, river bottom parties and long country road cruises. I was growing up fast in a world not so forgiving of my choices, although I believe those experiences were more building blocks for where my life is today. I made a choice to break up with this person and move on, what I did not know, is that person never knew why, and I take ownership for that. I didn't realize until recently that although he went on to have a beautiful, caring wife he met shortly after we broke up, he was left with words unsaid. It came to light through mutual friendships, when I heard some negative and false remarks toward me about why I broke up with him all those years ago. I was upset at first and fired back, but then soon realized those words unsaid could have made a difference. Not in the life journey, he made a better choice in my opinion, but it stands to reason those bitter comments years later could have been prevented if I was mature enough to provide insight all those years ago. Through a mutual friend, recently I relayed that message, and I hope he received it, I cannot reach out anymore because shortly after he unexpectedly passed away. He was one of the good ones I let get away, but my life journey was already in motion, the years that followed that breakup, were filled with countless memories that I will never forget, sports, friendships built and lost, petty teenage girl differences, parties, road trips filled with music and a new journey, my first real love and karma, Troydell. I met Troy when I was a sophomore in high school. I finished basketball practice and was walking out of the locker room and there he was, leaning against the wall in all his swagger and iconic stance. He caught me off guard, I had no idea he was interested in me, but there he was waiting to talk to me, from that moment on, I knew he was a unique young man, interesting, and intriguing. From that day, he would meet me between classes, after practice, and after games he would walk me home, and one time walked to my house and left me a love letter saying he would call me on the ringer later, I felt so special! I felt safe and cared for, he had a special way about him that came easy for him, and he could make me smile with intention. One time we were talking outside the locker rooms and there was music blasting from the boy's locker room. That was the beginning of our love for Stroke, we had no idea who the artist was at the time, so we waited to see who exited the locker room and asked, he said it so fast it came out as Bear Square, or maybe he really thought it was, but we figured out later it was Billy Squire, and that, my friends, would become one of many lasting memories between us before he too had to move along on his journey and I was the one left behind. The funny thing is, we never had any bad feelings toward one another and through the years I felt when the time was right, I would see him again, and I did. He moved a couple of towns over to go to vo-tech. That summer he came back to work on his foster family's farm, I remember it perfectly, It was a humid and misty evening, I was riding my bike downtown and he pulled up alongside of me and we picked up like we were never apart. We talked for hours and joked how we had the same curly hair, and we would make beautiful babies together and they would have brown eyes. Silly kid stuff, but I remember it like it was yesterday. He left, and I did not hear from him again for years, but again there was no drama, no hard feelings it was just two kids going their separate ways continuing on their individual journey. In hindsight, we talked about the fact that our love could not have endured the challenges on either side. But I will say that we carried each other in our hearts through it all. Unbeknown to him, the memories of us carried me through some of my darkest hours, and I am forever grateful to have met such a kind and loving man. Thanks to social media I found his brother on Facebook and we were able to reconnect. True to form, we picked up right where we left off, only this time our stories were burdened with life challenges on both sides that, at the time in 2012, my kids were still young, and I knew their dad would have a hay day with Troy's past and make my life difficult, so I kept him at a distance. We talked on the phone a lot until 2013 when my son passed away, I began shutting down and shutting people out of my life and, unintentionally, he was one of them. I believe my silence was hard on him, but I was in a hell of my own with grief and darkness coping the best I could. It took 6 years and his cancer diagnosis to reunite us, by this time I was in a better place and realized that it was now or never, and we reconnected. I met him at the clinic in Minneapolis and sat with him at his appointment, through it all he was still that same sweet boy that faced challenges as a result of choices made, as we all do. Another time, I asked him a bunch of questions about his next appointment. I went to the clinic, he was already in the room, so I was texting him from the waiting room like I was still at work, he walked out and looked to his right and did a double take, it put a mile wide smile on his face, and it made my heart happy to be able to achieve that. I wanted to make it all better, and even though going into it I realized how great the alcohol addiction was, I wanted to be there for my friend, the way he got me through those darkest hours with the memories of his kindness. He came to live with me, and just as I mentioned before, life challenges and where we were both at created difficulties in our relationship, the love was there, but the addiction was taking over both of our lives. I was fighting for him to live, and he knew he was on his way out but didn't necessarily let that be known. We had an argument, tears flooded, and he was asked to leave. Not our finest moment, but he needed to do what he needed to do to get through the pain and end of life directly ahead of him, and I needed to work and carry on for my well-being. A few weeks later he declined, and I went to see him at the hospital, his last stay, and when he went to hospice, I was able to spend a day with him and tell him I was thankful for the short time we got to spend together, and he agreed. When his time came near, family gathered, and I stayed the night, the next morning, I wanted to do something for the family, so I ran to the store to get some food. By the time I returned he was gone. I was so devastated, until I realized.... this was our story, not saying goodbye in hopes of meeting again someday, once again he made me smile effortlessly and by the smile on his face when he passed; I knew he was at peace. He once said, I've lived a good life and I am ready, a priceless gift of hope. I am forever thankful for those moments, and forever grateful that his wonderful family made me a part of them. Love is what keeps me going, I will always say what I feel because you can't fence time, opportunities are lost, love remains.

Love Lives On

Joan Marie