This is where it all begins,,,,

When you stop being complacent and start living your life, you realize there are people who are just as or even more broken than you. To put yourself out there and be rejected by people who claimed to be your friend or love interest, like you are so beneath them is disrespectful, manipulation at its finest. This is where it all begins, like most stories do, at the beginning. I was not always a vocal person, I was very shy as a kid, and was taken advantage of for it, but life lessons have led me down a different path. Even when you have been betrayed, you are complacent, why? Because you don't know any other life than from the perspective of the one who controls you, most do not realize that person is ultimately themselves. This site is a dedication to my children that have passed, but it is also a personal story of real life, real struggles and hardships; and building back from the depths of hell and darkness that a lot of beautiful souls never recover from. The significance and relatable experiences are in the eye of the reader, the takeaway should be that of an open minds eye, knowing that it comes from a place of honesty and sincerity above any relatable anger that may be perceived or real. People's lives should not be allowed to end without question or continue on without someone standing up and saying NO MORE, or providing some admission of guilt, ownership or accountability of participation in the outcome or reactive response. There will be factual truths and theories where logic will be taken into account, what ifs and should haves; what will not be tolerated are excuses or backlash for pointing out what was left unsaid, untold truths or devaluation of facts. Just because fear stopped you from reaching out or admitting your role, doesn't admonish the truth. Being an empath, at times has made it difficult for me to be vocal; but losing half of my loving heart has pushed me to places of zero tolerance. I have been working on delayed reaction, and not speaking off the cuff, but certain situations don't always provide those boundaries, just know that the empath in me then leaves me with feelings of guilt, extreme anxiety, and the need to apologize; even when I am not in the wrong. You will find here that there will be truths that are hard pills to swallow, there will be details you may not want to know, but that's the thing about truth, if it were easy, it would be commonplace; that's why they are called hard truths. If you follow me, know that you may be uncomfortable at times, being human comes with a hefty price tag that not everyone can afford, and that's ok. I will encourage you to keep judgement to yourself, eventually you will be able to acknowledge that your judgement comes from a place where you hide and will have no reflection on how I continue to move forward in life to remain living in a world that can be unbearably cruel and undeniably judgmental. As they say, your opinion of me is none of my business. I have survived the worst of times and clawed my way back to some semblance of MY normalcy to continue on and be productive as a mother and a member of my work family. That has to count for something in a world full of cynicism, entitlement and poor me attitudes. I will try and post often, I have a lot of feelings, emotions and truths that I have held inside for an enormous amount of my life from as far back as 4 years old. It's true that the past is part of us, "in the past" doesn't erase the memories or deep seeded influences that we carry deep within us, it is like forgiveness, you forgive but you never forget. Many say that you cannot move forward until you put the past behind you, but I believe that the past drives change, and when you address it and then put it on the minds back shelf, tucked away just enough to be a reminder of the consequence of our choices, it can be a blessing and reminder of what we overcame; added to the chapter of life titled "what not to do". Just as we welcome in a New Year, I welcome you to a place of honesty, a place to remind you that your life has had challenges, embrace them, they are your foundation of what the future will bring. Your guide written for and by you. You cannot edit the past, but you can add markups to your futures script; sequels in the movies are not always better than the original, but life lessons give is the opportunity to do better, listen more, and right our wrongs. As time progresses and this site evolves, I will expand topics to other untold stories of hidden truths, unfortunately, the subject content branches out to the masses. INTERNAL CARRION is all inclusive, it is not limited to losing children, it is an all-inclusive emotional weight that we all carry, through loss, grief, illness (physical and mental), debilitating emotional pain and all of the things that encompass a response or feeling when asked what is wrong, to me it is what I feel when I say or hear someone else say "I don't know". It's ok to not know, it's ok to take the time you need to figure out the specifics, just know that you are not alone, the army of all-inclusive inexplainable internal carnage is abundant yet united by commonality.

Love Lives On

Joan Marie